There Is No Dog Read online

  ‘Six weeks. And then I eat him.’

  She stiffens. ‘Six weeks?’

  ‘Six weeks. It’ll give him time to get used to the idea.’

  Eck scrambles to the floor and over to the furthest corner of the room, where he slumps like a half-deflated football. He does not think he will get used to the idea.

  Quietly, so as not to offend, he begins to cry.

  11

  Mona slept like a child, a drunken child, her pale brow flushed, her arms flung out across the bed in abandon. Bob paced, desperate to leave, but not before a much-needed confrontation with his mother.

  He sat down on the bed and shoved her.

  Mona groaned; the lovely features crumpled in pain. ‘Ohhh, ouch.’ Her right hand drifted up from her side, settling on one soft cheek. She pressed her slender fingers gently against a throbbing cheekbone. ‘Oh, Bob, my darling. It’s you.’

  ‘Yes, it’s me, Mother. Me. Alone. Minus something, Mother.’ He glared.

  ‘You should never let me drink so much,’ she said, with a brave attempt at a smile.

  ‘Oh, ha. Like I could have stopped you.’

  She groaned gently. ‘A big handsome boy like you.’ The words emerged slightly slurred, as if the act of speaking caused her pain. ‘Against poor little me.’

  ‘Poor little you?’ Bob snorted. ‘Look, I’m going now. But I want to know what you plan to do about my Eck.’

  ‘Your Eck?’

  Bob rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t you remember anything about last night?’

  She hazarded a guess. ‘Did I lose?’

  ‘Duh.’

  ‘Badly?’

  ‘DUH.’

  ‘Oh, well.’ She closed her eyes again. ‘What shall we do today? I’ll feel better in a minute.’

  ‘Mother.’

  ‘Yes, darling?’

  ‘You stole my pet.’

  Her eyes fluttered open. ‘Did I? Silly old me.’

  Bob’s eyes flashed fire. ‘You stole my Eck and he’s going to be eaten.’

  ‘Don’t tell me now, darling. It’s too early. I haven’t the strength.’

  ‘It’s noon, actually, and I want him back.’

  Mona sighed. ‘I’ll get you another one, my darling. Ecks are always around, cheap as chips. Get under your feet like dustballs.’ She frowned. ‘Or at least they used to. Back before the crazy rumour about them tasting absolutely amazing.’ She laughed weakly. ‘Luckily, Hed knows nothing about that.’

  Bob groaned.

  Mona’s eyes opened wide in horror. ‘Hed knows? Who could possibly have been so indiscre–’

  The expression on her son’s face stopped her.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘According to what you told the assembled company, Mother, he’s not only the last of the Ecks, but the most delicious-tasting dish in nine thousand galaxies.’

  ‘That doesn’t seem right.’ Mona appeared genuinely puzzled, though whether by the morality of the situation or the slightly suspect nature of the story, was unclear.

  Bob leapt to his feet and began to pace. ‘This is just the sort of thing you always do.’

  ‘Always?’ Mona frowned. ‘Have I gambled away Ecks before?’

  He stopped. Swivelled to face her. ‘I want him back. I’m sick of you stealing my things.’ His voice rose to a shout. ‘GET HIM BACK.’

  ‘Yes, darling. What a good plan. I’ll do that. In a minute.’ If only her son would make less of a racket. Or, better yet, disappear altogether. Never mind. She would wear something nice and go to see Hed and he would give her back the Eck. Of course he would.

  In the meantime, breakfast might help the pounding pain behind her eyes. She would sort out the bet. But only when her head had stopped hurting. When Bob had stopped shouting at her. When she was feeling herself once more.

  Perhaps not even then. But definitely not before.

  Demo version limitation

  13

  Luke’s PA waved and told her to go in.

  Lucy knocked on his office door, softly at first, her heart thumping. It was just her luck to be called into his office, to get the verdict from him. But he couldn’t dislike her enough to deny her the job. Could he? Even Luke wouldn’t be so mean.

  Receiving no response, she took a deep breath and tried again, with more force. Maybe he wasn’t in after all. She bent closer to listen, her ear nearly touching the door, when it swung open abruptly, unbalancing her so that she stumbled and caught Luke hard in the chest with one elbow.

  ‘Ouch.’ He stared at her.

  Lucy blushed. Why did this sort of thing always happen around him? ‘I was just … you didn’t answer.’

  ‘Come in.’ His voice was cool.

  She sat down at the edge of a metal folding chair. It was warm in the office; sun streamed through a window propped open with a book. The air coming in from outside smelled of lilac and new grass.

  Luke stared down at the paperwork on his desk, no happier with this arrangement than she was. Why was it incumbent upon him to give her the news? He’d held out as long as possible, hoping for an excuse to reverse the decision. At last he shoved a folder at her across his desk. ‘There,’ he said, looking beyond her to the wall behind.

  She picked up the papers and quickly leafed through. Contract of employment, permanent ID card. Yes!

  ‘Congratulations.’ His tone was flat. ‘Any questions?’

  Lord almighty, she thought, what is wrong with him? ‘No, no questions. Thank you. I mean, I’m really happy. This is great.’ She got up to leave but hovered an instant too long. ‘I love my job, you know,’ she said with dignity. ‘And I’m grateful to have passed my trial.’

  He said nothing.

  With as much grace as she could muster, Lucy turned and left his office. Sweat trickled down the small of her back. Her knees felt weak.

  Mica smiled at her as she shut the door. ‘Well done. Now you’re stuck here.’

  ‘Thank you. What a relief.’

  ‘You don’t look happy enough.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘I always feel like such a geek around him. And a fraud. He makes me feel as if I don’t deserve the job.’

  ‘Ignore him, sweetheart. The guy was born cranky. Some girlfriend left him a million years ago and he’s been hissy ever since. You probably remind him of her.’

  ‘Yeah, that would explain it.’ She sighed.

  The office door opened again and Luke strode out, dumping an armful of files on Mica’s desk. ‘I’m off,’ he said with a wave to his PA, and was through the door before either had a chance to reply.

  Lucy felt furious. He was perfectly capable of acting normal, though not, apparently, to her. She slumped down in the chair next to Mica. ‘Why is he so horrible?’

  Mica shrugged. ‘Some guys just are. I’d have him, though.’

  Lucy snorted. ‘You’re much too nice for him. Can’t you find some sweet boy who’ll cook and clean and be the perfect wife?’

  ‘Nope. Big shoulders, square jaw, that’s what I want. Preferably straight.’

  ‘You’re an idiot, Mica. It’ll end in tears.’

  ‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘But I’ll have had fun trying.’

  ‘Well, you can have him. Maybe he hates all women. That would make me feel better.’

  ‘Me too, honey.’

  Lucy went back to work, cheered. She loved her job. She loved the animals, loved the pygmy goats, wallabies and Komodo dragons, the African spiders, penguins, dung beetles and giant crickets. She loved walking the llamas round the perimeter of the zoo, loved doling out protein pellets and parrot seed and grass for the hippos. She couldn’t think of any job that would make her feel happier or more fulfilled. And if staying on meant avoiding Luke, well then, she would simply avoid him.

  Bob and Eck entered the zoo via the visitor’s entrance, passing through the turnstile unnoticed. Taking
a map from the volunteer at the information booth, Bob turned it over a dozen times before heading off in the wrong direction. He was beginning to grow steamy with frustration and anxiety, silently appealing to Mr B for help while Eck hid under a thorny hedge, peering, a bit nervously, at the animals in cages. As Bob consulted the map again, a tall ruminant with deep brown eyes, pursed lips and a thick mass of golden blond fur nearly ran him down.

  ‘Excuse me,’ gasped the keeper, hauling on a red lead rope and bringing the llama to a skidding stop. ‘We didn’t mean to run you over.’ The llama sneered at Bob, but the girl smiled a smile like the light at the end of a tunnel. ‘Are you all right?’

  Bob smiled back and Lucy experienced a peculiar sensation of weightlessness, as if gravity had momentarily abandoned her. She blinked. He was gorgeous. Dazzlingly, astonishingly, gorgeous. He glowed, as if lit from within.

  ‘I-I really am terribly sorry. This is Izzy – a Peruvian Ccara llama.’

  ‘I’m Bob.’ Bob’s eyes blazed. Lucy! In the flesh! Her gaze was sweet and full of warmth, her eyes an extraordinary cerulean blue. The temperature rose ten degrees throughout the zoo and tulip buds burst open with little muted pops, spreading instantly into full flower.

  My beautiful, beautiful Lucy, he thought.

  ‘Izzy, meet Bob. Would you like to walk my llama, Bob?’ She offered him the lead, unable to look at him full-on, her hand trembling a little. ‘Usually it’s a treat reserved for children, but –’ she cast about quickly for Luke – ‘we haven’t got any school groups this morning. Go on, you’ll like it. Izzy’s special.’

  Bob took the lead from her, his eyes riveted to the pale damp skin of her forearm. He felt an almost overwhelming desire to bend down and kiss it, but ran his hand down the llama’s neck instead, burrowing his fingers deep into the soft gold of its fleece. His eyes half-closed in rapture. ‘She’s so soft,’ he murmured.

  ‘He. Izzy’s short for Isambard. Look there.’ She pointed to his undercarriage and there, indeed, was a large swinging pair of boy-llama testicles. ‘His fur’s lovely, isn’t it?’ She laughed.

  Bob swallowed hard, unable to tear his eyes off the girl of his dreams. You beauty, he thought. I’ve searched the world for a girl like you. Dreamt about you. I love you. I love you more than any other woman on the entire planet. There is no other as lovely as you.

  All at once, the llama, which had been walking quietly, began to dance and toss his head in an attempt to slip his collar. Izzy sensed something amiss with the person leading him; he had no experience of such a creature, and what he perceived made him anxious.

  Lucy, meanwhile, considered Bob, more boldly now. He looked as familiar as a brother or … the prime minister. But how? She was certain she didn’t know him. And yet, she knew him.

  Their eyes met. Bob smiled and Lucy found herself flattened, shaken to the core. The smile was big and deep and soft, a smile that seemed to encompass a thousand extra dimensions of friendliness – with longing, affection, incipient love, and multiple human lifetimes of anticipation thrown in.

  Behind them, sheet lightning ripped across the cloudless sky.

  No one had ever smiled such a smile at Lucy before, but it seemed to be the smile she had waited her entire life to receive. She smiled back. Eck tilted his head sideways from under his thorny hedge and wondered if he owed her the courtesy of a warning. He was loyal to his master up to a point, but she looked just the sort of girl to walk straight into a crocodile’s smiling jaws.

  ‘Oh, Lucy, Lucy,’ Bob murmured, elbowing the stroppy llama aside. But Izzy took umbrage. He orgled: a braying sort of cry. He didn’t like Bob’s smell and he didn’t like being elbowed, particularly by someone whose smell he didn’t like. Orgling again, louder and more aggressively this time, he drew his head back to spit.

  Lucy wasn’t precisely clear about what happened next, but Izzy seemed to flicker and fizz, like the badly focused picture on an old-fashioned television set. The noise he made was strangled; he sat back on his hocks, eyes wild and bulging. By the time Lucy had gained control of him and turned back to speak to her new acquaintance, Bob was gone.

  How weird, she thought, him disappearing like that. Maybe he’s here with his girlfriend? A guy like that must have a girlfriend. But what would they be doing here, on Friday morning, at the zoo? It was all so mysterious. Lucy could have wept with disappointment. ‘Never mind, Izz,’ she said sadly. ‘Plenty of other fish in the sea.’

  A few minutes later she stopped in her tracks and frowned. How on earth did he know my name?

  Behind her, twenty-eight rainbows spread silently across the sky like oil in a puddle.

  14

  ‘Come in, Mona,’ said Hed, patting the chair beside him. In a dress made from a book of twelve first-class stamps, Mona looked quite ravishing. She was a good-looking woman, Hed thought. Shame about the goofy son.

  ‘You know why I’m here, of course?’ She struggled to maintain her smile.

  Hed shrugged and shook his head. ‘Not a clue.’ He sat back, linked his hands behind his head and began to whistle.

  Mona shifted. ‘It’s Bob’s pet. You see, it wasn’t really a proper wager, because, strictly speaking, the Eck didn’t belong to me.’

  Hed’s face showed no expression. ‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to file that under Very Much Your Problem Not Mine.’ His fathomless blank eyes narrowed. ‘A bet is a bet, Mona. And I am greatly looking forward to tasting the most delicious creature in nine thousand galaxies.’

  ‘Oh, that!’ Mona tossed her head with nervous gaity. ‘Ha ha ha ha! I was only repeating something I’d heard. You know what rumours are like, idle gossip, hardly ever any truth in them at all.’

  A noise emerged from Hed’s throat; it increased in volume, like an avalanche. His features twisted; his words exploded in the air around her; he was everywhere and nowhere at once, inside of her and out. ‘I sincerely hope, for your sake,’ he thundered, ‘that it turns out not to be a rumour.’

  Mona gasped.

  ‘Or I might find myself something else to devour.’ The last words disappeared in a wall of sound.

  She dragged herself away, struggling through the roar, her limbs heavy and dead, the noise swallowing her whole, digesting her.

  ‘How’d it go?’ Bob was waiting for her at home.

  ‘Wonderfully well, darling, marvellously.’ Mona smiled palely.

  Bob glowered. ‘You’re lying.’

  She held one hand to her forehead. ‘Of course I’m not, sweetheart.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. But I suppose we’ll know soon enough.’

  Mona’s expression turned furtive. ‘Bob, darling.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘You wouldn’t like to do me an itsy-bitsy little favour, would you?’

  ‘No.’

  She sighed. ‘It’s only that, well, I’d happily get you ten new pets if you’d just agree to forget this one.’

  Bob stamped his foot. ‘No! You never think about my feelings. Gambling away my pet is just so typical. You always do exactly what you like, barging in, grabbing up my stuff, throwing my Eck away in some poxy poker game without a thought for me. Well, I don’t want ten other pets, I want mine …’

  Mona wasn’t listening. Of course a bet was a bet, she thought. And there was her reputation to consider. Not to mention her safety. Particularly her safety. For she was frightened of Emoto Hed, who had something of a reputation for creative cruelty where unpaid debts were concerned. People disappeared, leaving behind nothing but very long, very piercing screams. Mona imagined that forever could become incredibly tedious when passed in a state of constantly accelerating agony.

  And, really. How much did an Eck matter anyway? Hardly at all, as far as Bob was concerned. She, herself, felt that the extinction of the Ecks would sadden no one but other Ecks, of which there would be none. Problem solved!

  Perhaps the time for self-rec
rimination was past. If Hed wanted the last of the Ecks as a meal, she supposed it was his prerogative.

  Bob’s voice had risen to a scream. ‘Like NOW! You’re not even listening to me! What kind of mother do you call yourself?’

  Mona just hoped Bob’s pet didn’t turn out to be stringy and bitter. It would be just her luck if this particular Eck ended up having the worst-tasting flesh in nine thousand galaxies.

  She looked up. ‘Sorry, darling, you were saying something?’

  Bob’s response could not be transcribed.

  15

  Lucy couldn’t stop thinking about Bob. He wasn’t a bit like anyone she’d met before. Not that she had a type, but, if she had one, Bob definitely wasn’t it – too young, too awkward, too skinny. And yet … those deep-set eyes. The beautiful face. The strange intensity. The smile. And even more than all that – the inexplicable density of him, as if he were somehow connected to everything: past and present, earth and sky, life and death. She frowned. How to explain the strangeness of him, her sense of knowing him without really knowing?

  Her last boyfriend had worked for a software company and, really, she’d barely known him at all. They’d had some fun, gone to a few films, sat up late listening to music – but he’d never seemed terribly interested in who she was and how she might be different from everyone else. He’d listened politely when she talked, but the questions he asked were never the right questions. Sometimes she felt like shouting at him, demanding to know why he never said the right thing. Not that it was his fault, exactly. If she were perfectly honest, she didn’t find many of his thoughts terribly interesting either, and when the conversation stopped she’d had to scramble for something to say.

  But Bob? This was different. After only a few minutes together, she’d experienced a sort of a buzz in her blood, a feeling of connection and at the same time exposure. What did she know about him? Exactly nothing. For all she knew, he could be crazy or a criminal or worse.